Postpartum Anxiety

Hey mamma. I understand you. Well, ok, maybe I don't understand everything about you. Chances are we have some things in common or perhaps we are wildly different. One thing I do know we share is that we want the best for our babies. We both love our kids fiercely and want them to face the world with confidence, kindness, and happiness. You know what else we might have in common, anxiety. Yep, I said it. I have anxiety and maybe you do too. Let me take a few deep breaths now. Sharing this on social media is a bit intimidating but I'm grateful to be able to. Hang in here with me and I'll tell you my story. I hope my story will help you or someone out there feel like their story can have a happy ending or better yet, a happy beginning, middle, and end. Because it's never too late if you keep trying. Tomorrow is always a brand new day.

ANXIETY:

FEAR

ON EDGE

ANGER

FRUSTRATION

WORRY

TENSE

PERFECTION

FAILING

SCARED

GUILT

I used to be nervous to talk about this sort of thing. (Funny because I have my degree in Psychology) but after having my first baby I struggled with postpartum anxiety. I would sit and watch my first baby breath to make sure he was alive. I never left him with a babysitter. Like, never. Everything about motherhood felt overwhelming. I felt like I had jumped into the deep end I had no idea how to swim! I honestly thought what I felt, was just what it felt like to have kids. It seemed as I looked around though that some women didn't struggle the way I did. Becoming a parent is a huge transition for everyone but why did I feel so hopeless? I loved my baby so much, but why did I feel so uptight and anxious? I just chalked it up as my "new normal." I didn't know postpartum anxiety had a name and I didn't know it was a "thing."


My second baby came and I knew it was going to be hard, but you know what? I was too embarrassed to talk to my doctor. I even lied on that evaluation thing they give you. I silently struggled. I somehow thought if I admitted I was struggling that it would make me less than. That I wasn't a good enough mom. I told myself maybe I just needed to try harder. I needed to just tell myself to calm down and relax. Yes, that is what I needed to do. I needed to pray harder and then just buck up. Gasp, I couldn't let anyone know that this whole parenthood gig wasn't a piece of cake for me. Everyone else seemed to have it together based on what I saw on Instagram. It must just be me. Life felt dim. Countless times I remember thinking why did I ever want this? I thought, "Being a mom is hard", "My life is hard." I felt angry, alone and like a failure many days. The weight of perfectionism was slowly pulling me down. I honestly couldn't see the beauty in my life and it was suffocating.

 I remember one day I yelled at my 3-year old for accidentally spilling his milk and cereal. I watched him cringe and hurry as fast as he could to clean it up. Even typing that now makes me so sad. It was an accident but my anxiety brought out a frustration that I couldn't get past. It wasn't who I was. It wasn't my nature to react that way. Yet, I was. It was heartbreaking. I knew I didn't want to be like this. I didn't like it! I wasn't happy, and neither was my family. From the outside looking in, I bet very few people knew I was struggling. I was GOOD at putting on a, "Oh yeah, I've got this all together" face. Then in the quiet hours wishing my life was different. Of course in those days my life wasn't all bad. I was happy and loved my kids. I had fantastic days and moments but the fog I lived in was stifling.

When I was pregnant with my third baby I decided enough was enough! Enough of feeling like a second-class citizen, enough with feeling frustrated so easily, enough with comparing myself with people I hardly knew. I marched into my OBGYN and was ready to just shout out everything. Well... I did tell her, but between my ugly crying and wiping my nose I think I squeaked out, " I think I have anxiety or something!" Not even an hour after my third baby was born, my amazing OB had medication ready and waiting for me.

My life isn't perfect and I am not perfect. I still have to fight my anxious thoughts but I feel like the cloud I was living in has lifted! I feel like I finally have the ability to see past the end of my nose and let me tell you what, it is refreshing. It's like a can take a deep breath again.

I know anxiety can present itself differently for different people. For some it may be anger and frustration, for others, it is incredible fear and worry. For others maybe it's a combination or even something different. But please know you are not alone. Let me repeat that ok? YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I've learned a lot about myself. I can honestly say I'm grateful I have this because it has taught me to be more kind and more understanding. To assume the best in people and be more gentle than necessary. It's ok to reach out and get help. How you choose help may look different than me and that's ok too.

One thing I've learned is that everyone has something. EVERYONE! If you don't have one thing, you'd have another. None of us escape this life without a trial or two or a few hundred! Our mission is to find our way out of the deep end. To reach up and trust there is more than those feelings of loneliness and ache. Do not accept those feelings as just "how it is." You are worth so much more than that. This life is beautiful despite the hard parts, you just have to be able to get out of the fog to see it.

So mamma maybe we have some things in common or maybe we are wildly different, but you know what, you and I are worth it and our families are worth it and you are doing a good job. 

With love from Texas,
     Lindsay