When life doesn’t go according to plan…

Nicole from Ohio here. Today I am talking about some weighty subjects: Fertility issues, early delivery, NICU stays, special needs children and infant loss, just to name a few. My journey into motherhood has not been easy, but those challenges have made the sweet angels who are mine even more precious.

When we decided we were ready to start a family we thought it would just happen. We were young and naïve and thought no big deal, I mean people have trouble, but not us. And yet, it took us close to 2 years to finally have success. I remember my heart breaking when my younger sister announced her pregnancy. It’s hard to describe the feeling, but I was delighted her and yet, her triumph seemed to minimize my hope of ever being a mother. However, my heart found healing when just a few months later I found out we would raise children just months apart. Many others have it much worse, and so we felt lucky and began anticipating the arrival of our baby girl.  

Just weeks before our daughter was to arrive, I had a plummeting, gut wrenching feeling and I knew something wasn’t right. This led us to our doctor and within hours to an emergent c-section and a life flight ride for our newborn so she could be in a NICU that could handle the severity of hurdles she was facing. I remember mourning the healthy baby I was planning on and embracing my new normal, a daughter who would struggle for every ounce of growth and development in her life.

Then, I again found joy when I found out we were expecting a baby boy. We discussed concerns with our physician and had a plan in place. Little did I know that plan would lead to him being born 8 weeks early to prevent similar obstacles in his life. I remember the hours and days and weeks I spent with both babies in the NICU, watching them grow and fight and watching other mothers and babies go through similar fights. Even though I had become a “NICU mom” 2 years earlier, it was still so hard to leave my baby boy at the hospital each night.

I came to understand that I was simply that NICU mom. I would have all my babies early and spend that time watching them grow in an incubator. As soon as I came to terms with that, another lane change. Baby #3 and a plan with specialists in place, and yet, I am not in charge here. A stillborn baby boy and a devastating discussion about “looking at other options” were my next step. Now, even two years later, I mourn the loss of that sweet baby every day.

As crazy and heart wrenching as each of these experiences along my path to motherhood have been, these moments have made me into the woman I am today. Does my life look the way I dreamt it would when I was 16? No. But I am, hopefully, a more empathetic, more loving, more patient and more understanding woman and mother than I ever could have been without these experiences.

So, for those of you struggling along your path, know you are not alone. Know you can find hope in the darkest of nights and that, even when your heart is breaking, there will be a light and a new dawn rising.

Stay tuned for my next few posts where I plan to highlight in a bit more detail how my husband and I (and God) have dealt with each of these major changes in our plans. In doing so, I hope to bring hope and support to others who may be dealing with some, or any of these devastating issues.